Tuesday, August 01, 2006

The Many Reasons Why Miami Vice Sucked! (A Review)

Shawn and I saw this ridiculous mess of a movie over the weekend. Awful, awful, awful. Let me count the ways…

First) Where's Miami? Hello, it's in your title. Half the movie took place in other, admittedly prettier places than Miami, and yet I felt the city played no part and had no place in the film expect to be occasionally mentioned in the abstract like some dark evil land like Mordor.

Second ) Sunshine. I'm not the biggest fan of it, but in Miami, it's something we got lots and lots of. Yet, this movie is perpetually dark. Occasional bits of city lights visible in the distance do not a city make. Where's the sun, the palm trees, the Art Deco buildings? I had read before seeing the movie that the director, Michael Mann, didn't want to feature South Beach because he'd "been there, done that" with the series, but, excuse me if I'm wrong, but I believe South Beach of today looks a LOT different than the 80's and would have been a welcome addition of color to this film.

No single scene or set even remotely reminded me of Miami. There was a couple scenes inside apartments that were inexplicably at night so that there was no view or nothing. The one scene in someone's apartment during the day showed endless water with not a single glimpse of Miami-ish scenery (i wonder why.)

Third ) Pacing, exposition, and character development. Failed in all three aspects. The movie begins in in medias res with no preamble in the middle of a crowded club during some kind of prostitution sting. We know who the cops are because they're the only ones who look like they're not having fun. That scene - with almost no dialogue expect meaningful glance - gets interrupted by a phone call from some random person speeding down a highway and shouting something important. Quick, Robin, to the bat-mobile! Suddenly, our police officers are flagging this guy down on the highway (Shawn and I laughed; as if you can get anywhere in Miami in under twenty minutes!) and there proceeds more and more meaningless sideways-talk and cop-speak to try and (confuse? confound? enlighten?) the audience.

And this was the first ten minutes. About an hour in, my utter confusion as to what the hell was going on was replaced by a sharp sensation in my jaw. What is that? Oh yeah. The urge to yawn. This movie's pace was either way too fast or ridiculously slow. The whole thing just felt off, as if the editor and director fell asleep while doing their edits and accidentally sent the wrong draft of the film to the studio. The actual version - the "Director's Cut" (the one that actually makes sense - wow, who knew there were so many similarities between Miami Vice and The Lord of the Rings) - will be out with the DVD.

As for characters, I came away from this film with no idea whatsoever who the main characters were, what they were about, or what they wanted. There was no time where they talked or conversed in any meaningful way. Half of the time they were undercover and yet there didn't seem to be any difference between them as cops and them as drug runners.

Fourth ) Action. There was some gleeful shouts from males in the audience during a couple of the action sequences when someone got a whole shot through them or something equally bloody, but in my seasoned opinion gore does not make an action sequence, rather creativity and ingenuity makes a good action sequence. Both, notably absent.

You know how a lot of movies these days do protracted "heist" sequences ala' Mission Impossible? Where there's a lot of set up and cool camera angles and voiceovers and then something goes wrong and it's all exciting and everything plays out in a tense way? None of that. None at all. There's one short (like 90 second) sequence where a plane masks its entry into the U.S. And then a shot of two boats flying past the Miami Port. That's all you'll get in terms of tension and excitement. Really, shameful.

Fifth) Spanish. HELLO!!! Where's the Spanish? Where's the characters eating empanadas and drinking cafe con leche's against some beautiful palm trees? Even a white boy like me walks into a place around this town and says, Hola! There was not a single spanish-influenced scene in the entire film, save a sequence drinking mojitos in Cuba. That doesn't cut it, in my opinion. You could have done the same exact scene in some hidden away bar in Little Havana.

Now, I talk shit about Miami constantly. But there are a lot of things about this town that stand out, especially visually. The producers and cinematographers of this movie did not present this city at all in the film. That, plus the confusing plot, the empty characters, and the yawn-inducing action sequences, all combine to make this easily the worst movie of the year, possibly the decade.

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8 Comments:

Blogger Shawn said...

Ouch! But yea, I agree.

I think within that first 10 minutes I asked you a few times "what the is going on? I don't get it" - and then half way through I was like "is it almost over"

And as for the dialogue - the movie could have been on mute the entire time and I would have better understood what was going on.

August 01, 2006 9:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

With all due respect, I have to say the movie was excellent and you're a bad reviewer! :^) Please watch it again with an open mind.

Everyone has seen the art-deco architecture, the beaches, and night clubs. Michael Mann intentionally shows us the side of Miami that isn't glamourized on television -- the urban sprawl, the maze of highways, you know: the not-so-glamourous side.

The action was excellent and if you knew anything about Mann's movies, you'd know that he has an excellent eye for detail he's a stickler for ``realism''. So you don't have protracted gun fights or convoluted heists. This makes the action all the better. There is tension because the violence plays out realisticly and the consequences are higher.

The same goes for the dialogue. People do not always exchange witty banter. That is not what this movie is about. There isn't any ``meaningless sideways-talk''. This is Mann's approximation of the way he thinks cops would speak.

The cinematography is very well done. Ever shot is beautiful -- bordering art film. Same goes for the editing. This movie is genuinely like watching a segment of these people's lives. It ends as quickly as it begins. It doen't wast too much time on expositon nor does it spend much time wrapping up loose ends. We see one of their missions and the ramifications of the choises they make and then it ends -- beautifully.

The movie is about the consequences of working undercover. Can you fall in love without endangering your loved ones? That is the question.

One of the best movies of the year.

August 04, 2006 7:40 PM  
Blogger Shawn said...

hey everyone is entitled to their opinion - there is no reason to attack the reviewer.

August 05, 2006 12:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are right. When I say the author is a bad reviewer, I meant this: the author seems fixated on his or her expectations of the film. He or she doesn't seem to care about what Mann was trying to achieve.

It is a very different movie from Mission Impossible or any other movie in fact (except for ``Heat'' or ``Collateral'' which were Mann projects as well).

I feel like he put onto film what he imagined which is a feat. I guess part of the equation is the quesion, ``so is the vision appealing?'' That is up to you but it isn't fair to say the movie sucks by comparing it with another movie outside of its genre.

I'm sorry if I offended.

August 05, 2006 2:24 AM  
Blogger elad said...

I stand by every single comment I made. And - with all due respect - you need to watch some more movies, Mr. Anonymous, to compare this drek with art film cinematography and even psuedo-realistic dialouge.

True, i had expections. But they were very low and had most to do with the word Miami in the title and my love, absoulete adoration actually, of "Heat." I think that movie suceeded in everything it attempted to do, while Miami Vice complete failure.

You mentioned this film was being undercover and something about love. I disagree. The movie seemed to be self-indulgence, what happens when directors and actors surround themselves with yes-men and cowards who can't stand up to their superiors.

avoid this film at all costs!!

August 05, 2006 2:48 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I agree with you. I just rented the director's cut and this movie was so horrid that I didn't even finish watching it. The scenes with dialogue were so confusing and quick that I had no clue what the hell was going on, while the other scenes were so slow that I fast forwarded through them until I finally gave up.

February 11, 2007 3:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

and then they put a chinese actress as the love interest , she has a chinese accent, and there is no chemistry between the two

October 07, 2007 5:08 AM  
Blogger Blinding Buddha said...

DAM! The movie was very weak and wasn't worth the money i paid for seeing it. i guess i'll stick to my Miami Vice DVD collection.

what a shame!

February 20, 2009 1:15 PM  

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