The Office - Season 3, Episode 19 - Safety Training
Anyway, we start off this episode with Andy, or "Drew" back from Anger Management. I was a bit confused because I thought we saw him come back at the end of last week's episode when Dwight pepper sprayed him at the very very very end of the episode.
Andy insists that everyone start calling him "Drew."
Andy: You can call me Drew.
Jim: No, I’m not gonna call you that.
Andy: Cool. I can’t control what you do, I can only control what I do.
Dwight refuses to speak to "Drew" and shuns him.
Dwight: Yes, I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I’m looking forward to. It’s an Amish technique. It’s like slapping someone with silence. I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.
Meanwhile, it is Safety Training Day in the office. It looks like someone (ahem Michael) was playing some jokes around the warehouse and caused Daryl to damage his ankle. Darryl says they usually do safety training when an accident happens, which is more often than he likes thanks to Michael.
Darryl: We do safety training every year. Or after an accident. We’ve never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled …
Michael: “Hey Darryl, how’s it hangin’?”
Darryl is trying to tell the office how dangerous certain machines are and that the people who do not work in the warehouse should never come near the machines. It looks like certain office employees are not so interested - betting fever has taken over the office.
Kevin: Ever since March Madness ended, I am so bored.
Kevin starts making bets with Jim about random things. Suddenly the entire office is pulled in and they start setting up things to bet on. Counting jellybeans, seeing how long Kelly could talk about Netflix and whether Creed would realize if they switched a potato for the apple he was eating.
After Darryl finishes his safety training, all of the employees head up to the regular office to hear Toby speak about safety training. Toby talks about carpel tunnel syndrome, being cold in the office, and the need to take 10 minute breaks from typing, sitting and staring at the computer screen.
Michael: That’s like a half an hour every hour.
Darryl: Take them at the same time.
A little fight breaks out between Kelly and Lonny (from the warehouse) over the risks of heart disease.
Michael: Heart disease kills more people than bailers.
Lonny: That’s called having a fat butt, Michael.
Michael: No, no, it’s …
Lonny: Yeah, yeah. That’s fat butt disease. That’s what you suffering from? Fat butt disease, Michael?
Kelly: Excuse me, Sea Monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds.
Lonny: I bet you’d like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn’t you?
Lonny: Dude, please tell your girl to shut up.
Ryan: Kelly, you insulted the gentleman. Please, apologize.
Kelly: Are you kidding me?
Good job Ryan, sticking up for your woman. Loser!
Darryl gets fed up with this bogus safety training talk. He thinks the real dangers are only in the warehouse.
Darryl: This is shenanigans, foolishness. NERF ball. You live a sweet little NERF-y life. Sittin’ on your biscuit. Never havin’ to risk it.
Michael takes great offense to Darryl's comments and wants to set the record straight that working in an office can also have its dangers. He enlists Dwight to help come up with a plan. He wants to do something big and visual that would make people react.
Michael: You know what our killer is? Depression.
Dwight: Visual aids.
Dwight: A quilt — depression quilt?
Michael: No time to sew a quilt.
He decides he is going to commit a fake suicide to show the dangers of depression. He orders Dwight to get a huge trampoline.
Meanwhile, the betting continues in the office.
Kelly: So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four. Number six becomes number five. Number three becomes number two. Etcetera, etcetera. And let’s just say that I just sent back Love Actually, which was awesome. And they sent me Uptown Girls, which is also awesome. But guess what? Now I want to see Love Actually again. But it’s at the bottom of the queue! Oh no, what’ll I do? What I do is this. I go online, I go “click, click, click,” and I change the order of the queue so that I can see Love Actually as soon as I want to. It’s so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works?
Ryan: I guess I forgot.
Kelly: You’re such a ditz.
Kevin: Ryan, well done, two minutes, forty-two seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win ten because she said “awesome” twelve times, and Jim, you win five because she mentioned six romantic comedies.
Michael plans on jumping off the top of the Dunder Mifflin building right onto the trampoline. But first, they test it with watermelons. After the first test, the watermelon falls down onto the trampoline and bounces back up and over right on top of Stanley's car.
Michael: Deactivate the car alarm. Clean up the mess.
Michael: Find out whose car that is. If it’s Stanley’s, call the offices of James P. Albini. See if he handles hate crimes.
Dwight: Got it.
Michael: Also, take apart the trampoline. Stick it in the baler.
Dwight: We’re not allowed to use the baler.
Michael: Have Patch do it, or the sea monster.
Dwight: I’m on it!
They quickly realize the trampoline was a terrible idea. They decide on a bouncy house instead because it would be better to cushion Michael's fall. Dwight enlists "Drew" to help.
Dwight: I’m temporarily lifting the shun.
Andy: Thank you.
Dwight: Means nothing. I need you to do something for me.
Dwight: Okay, calm down. I need you to acquire an inflatable house and/or castle.
Andy: You mean a moon bounce.
Dwight: What do you think? You’ve got an hour.
Andy: I’m gonna need petty cash.
Dwight: Shunning resumed.
Andy: Do you, do you want a drawbridge?
Dwight: Un-shun. Yeah, that sounds good. Re-shun.
Michael is scared but Dwight pumps him up into going forward with the fake suicide. As Michael is getting ready Dwight runs into the office to get everyone to come out and see what Michael is about to do.
Dwight: Hey guys, listen up. Michael is up on the roof and acting strange.
Andy: Whoa, what’s the situation?
Dwight: Un-shun. I think he’s suffering from depression. Re-shun.
Andy: Okay, when’s this shunning thing going to end?
Dwight: Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him die.
Stanley: Is it nice outside?
Dwight: It’s gorgeous. Let’s go!
Stanley: Do I need my jacket?
Dwight: No, really, it’s very nice. C’mon!
Ryan: Will I be too warm in a long sleeve tee?
Dwight: Everyone’s going to be fine in exactly what they’re wearing. Let’s go!
Apparently Dwight and Michael have a dialogue already practiced and ready to go.
Michael: The stress of my modern office has caused me to go into a depression.
Dwight: Depression? Isn’t that just a fancy word for feeling “bummed out”?
Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut.
Michael quickly realizes that none of the warehouse workers are there and he tells Dwight he needs to go get them to see what is about to happen. After they come out Michael and Dwight repeat the same dialogue.
Jim: Well, you know, the first performance was a little off. But I really think they hit their stride in the second show. Um, might even bring my parents tomorrow to the matinee. Oh excuse me. It’s my favorite part.
As Michael is going through the act the office workers notice the bouncy house and Jim and Pam realize that Michael is about to kill himself with his fake suicide. They beg Michael to not do it and even try to trick him into thinking there are gifts for him if he doesn't jump.
Michael starts to really think about his life while he is up there and suddenly gets depressed. Nobody can get him to come down. Finally, Darryl steps up and talks Michael down.
Darryl: What about Jan? Lovely, lovely, lovely, Jan, man. It’s goin’ good, right?
Michael: It’s complicated with Jan. And I don’t know where I stand or what I want. The sex isn’t nearly as good as it used to be.
Darryl: Mike, you’re a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day knowing full well you gotta be you.
Michael: You really mean that?
Darryl: I couldn’t do it. I ain’t that strong and I ain’t that brave.
Michael: I’m braver than you?
Darryl: Way braver! You Braveheart, man.
Michael: I Braveheart. I am.
Darryl: Come on down, okay?
Michael: Okay. Pam, I’m coming down to get my present.
So Michael didn't jump. And of course Michael sums it up for us:
Michael: I saved a life — my own. Am I a hero? I really can’t say. But, yes.
This episode was funny - the betting scenes were probably the best. But what is going on with Karen and Jim? I want to know so badly what is going to happen to them. I wish we got a little taste this week. But it's all good...till next week!
Quotes from Office Tally.