Update
Dad has a ticket booked for this Tuesday afternoon! Going to Italy! Lucky guy.
posted by Shawn at 9:53 AM
Two Lawyers. One Writer. Two Vegans. One Pop Culture Junkie. One Bar Taking Law Student. One Southern Trendinista. One Pastry Chef. One World Traveler. One Rock Climber. Many Ideas. One Blog. We really wanted to call this "Think!" but all we could get to is Maybe. One Rule - Keep it short. (If you can)
11 Comments:
Shawn, I could not stop myself from adding a little comment (which probably suits better your previous add) as it sounds too familiar...
Why do you think your Dad is lucky by having a tkt to Italy?
The fact of being your Dad means that HE is the one who provides. STOP. They are the first ones saying that always look at us as their little girls. There is NO WAY in accepting that for "whatever the time he decides" he lives on you. He should come to share with you, to provide, to know how is going with your life(after so long) and invite...
How come is he able to travel around the world? Do you know how does he do it? What do you know about his life?
I find it a super egotistical way of "visiting" or I might say "invade" your life whenever it suits him to spend some time that he does not even allow YOU to decide, using the typical play of "I did for you all these years... poor me..." addressing your heart by playing with your head. Putting on you a very low reasoning which does not stand by it self.
Maybe, calling "spirituality" something that has nothing to do with the action/life they follow. Theories you find by millions, all books are full of, lots of easy at speach people seem to have reached great stages and realizations.... other memorize very impacting phrases.... a few a very very few really practise in actions what they read/hear/learn; cause the action takes great effort, perseverance and pacience, and they are not longer ready.
What to do?
Be firm. Do not think with the head (Its evil side will say.. "Oh, after all is your Dad! You do not see him that often! He might be so lonely! Comes to see his daughters and you are complaining?" STOP THAT, STOP THE HEAD, STOP THINKING
instead what is the message from the heart: Im his daughter, I wish to share more with him but he seems to be busy and far and unreachable. Im starting my life working my... and last I need is to spend it on more of my Dad life in vacations... how can he be sooo unrespectfull!
Is your heart feeling so happy after spending a loving, sharing and happy time with your Dad, or mid-sad after it becomes more a load?
It is fine he wants to live on permanent vacations but... NOT ON YOU (even if that is for a short-mid time), well he might not demand but... he just takes takes takes for granted something for himself which you cannot request him back which you did not offer... and... what did you get?
Once you have accepted it in other occasions it might just happen again and again. He's just a happy camper who thinks of himself the wonderfull Dad who worked lots for you and now you work for him... And you are sooo lucky he's not yet willing to stay longer. For him this is a great situation. Has no more responsibilities, but a place to stay and be provided.
So, tell your Dad how you feel, he might have lost respect for lots of people (and himself) in this world but maybe when the talk comes from a daughter he might at least read it carefully, cause you are his extension.
It's quite simple. All you could do and preferably before he shows up willing to stay again.
Dad, we are very happy to see you and we try our best for spending time with you when you come. We are independant adults and are busy working to make our living. After your last visit we find that it exceeded the time that was agreed and we feel unconfortable with the fact that we have spent a lot in you and the fact that this seems to have being taken for granted for us to provide for you with a very obsolete reasoning.
You are a very lucky Dad whos daughters have become independant and now, with lots of efforts start providing for herselfs and decide who/what to spend the money on.
We assume that you can provide at least for yourself.
To avoid further misunderstandings or strange feelings we would appreciate that next time you decide it is time to share with us, you adjust your tickets accordingly to the time agreed and come for the fact of sharing, without demands.
loving you
Hi Annonymous,
Thanks for the advice, much appreciated.
Do you mind me asking - who are you?
I definetly have to take a little bit of time and absorb what you have written. It takes a lot of strength to stand up to someone in the manner that you have described, possibly more than I have.
Hi Shawn,
I understand your curiosity but I rather stay Annonymous, just could add that Im female. If you could accept it this way!
Oh, yeah you are a strong one, no other way you could have come so far!
Just probably feel that saying these things to a Dad... is not of a nice loving daughter; because lets say there is "respect" from your side but everything in this life goes two ways. You have to give to get, and anyway, when you get without giving... things will happenl to readjust. I think that you do much a favor expressing yourSelf than letting it pass till next time he comes and the feeling will start becoming more rare until you dont want to give anymore and get the sour feeling. when something is not right... it is NOT RIGHT! Is not about disrespecitng, no way! After being honest, you'll still respect your Dad probably even more again and when he comes back he must respect you and hopefully be more loving, and if he decides not to come back, and that is your fear, what exactly are you missing then?
Express yourSelf, after all, you did already by writting a few words here, very clear! But try your best to turn it to the person of your concern. Plus, imagine, he could probably have access to this too and shall be much hurting than knowing it first hand from your soul, part of his own.
I shall learn to shorten my msgs!
Ok Annonymous, thanks again for the insight. If my dad does have access to this post, then he is free to read it - i am not worried about him hearing what i have to say. That is because this info would not be a shock to him.
It isn't like he hasnt been told how we feel. He responds by saying something like "oh i am just going with the flow" and kinds of laughs it off. We have had to have many talks with him in the past and i am sure there will be more in the future. He is in his own bubble and shuts out what he doesn't want to hear. We literally sit him down and say we don't like when you do this. He doesn't get it, and then goes off on another one of his vacations, just to come back and do it again. The situation is very complicated.
The reason I asked who you were is because you signed off your first comment by saying "loving you" and the way you write the post makes it sound like you know me or my family well, so I was curious as to who this is. Of course my boyfriend wanted to also know who is "loving" me because it was a strange way to end a comment.
hahah. true.
Hehehehhh... I wrote "loving you" as an ending to the msg to your Dad and then when posted I realized I should have added something else. Was weird, yes!
Oh, well yes... what a situation!
Wish you both very well in your new apartment move!
You said this situation sounds familiar to you. Does that mean that you have gone through this before? What happened when you tried to talk to this person?
Shawn, I admit I started replying but it goes all the time far too long and disordered.
Simplifying... yes I went to a similar situation being the relationship not father-daughter but boyfriend-girlfriend.
bla bla bla .............long long story.....................................................
After almost 3 years trying to talk to him many times, I always got already made sentences, mind playing reasonings, poor me, one day this-next day I dont know...
I've decided that SILENCE and disappearance is the best I can do for mySelf....(hopefully for himself too) cause if I keep giving and accepting he'll just take, take and again... leave all charged and happy to his next destination which is never... by himself..... with all my loving, care and tenderness and leave me like a kitchen rug, empty, brokes, sad and probably I could have saved mySelf lots of pain by non accepting the unacceptable long ago.
Here is where I thought that in your case being Dad-Daughter the talk should have some effect because the connection itself should prove of more respect,as doing something to oneSelf.
But from what you're saying it does not make much difference. Finally he as physical body decided to be your father but as soul we are all brothers and as brother the respect got to be equal, we are all the same. So might be that he has to start loving his own soul, not his ego&mind which is what most people does and this not taking him nowhere, no matter where he goes.
Thank you for sharing with me. I think that your situation sounds like a hard one to live through because you chose to build this relationship and I think it is harder to see things get rocky when it is based on someone you choose to be with. When it comes to your father (or any blood relative) it is hard to see things go wrong but this is a family member and the situation is a little different - maybe easier - maybe not as scary.
But often just walking away from something that is bad is the best way to deal with it. Just cutting ties and saying this is my past and now I start the future without it is the only way to handle it. Trying to reconcile and explain yourself to someone who will never understand is not worth the words. Especially when you know there are other options and a better life without that person.
My dad changes each time I see him. Especially this last time I saw him. He has been on a "spiritual" path and trying to change his understanding of the world (or make sense of it - who knows). But recently I have gotten some e-mails from him and he is trying to keep in contact so he doesn't end up being a stranger. So the talks may work. But I guess I won't know that for sure until the next time he comes to visit.
Thanks for your words, understanding and compassion.
My ex-boyfriend still tries to keep in contact while at this time is travelling with another woman (uppps "a friend"). But might be that the travel might not go for the long-term so he still tries his best to keep the communication open... just in case he decides to drop in soon!!!
Yes, he announced me that this other woman had "invited" him and he made a sudden decission... plus he added "hope you dont feel disappointed or frustrated...."
I was sooooo hurted that my thinking only reached negativity like: in case he does not find any more invitations again... he leaves a door open... for the stay, for the loving offered, for joining on a new venture, for the rechargement absolutelly non-compromised, doing it in the shake of love, yes MY LOVE.
But I know Im nothing in the lows so Im voting for the POSITIVE side and although the heart might take its time to heal, Ill be open to a new episode in life hopefully very loving this time.
I shaw a kind of reflection of the same character reflected in what for you is your Dad, but from another angle.
I had just one question all the time ... when your father travels, do you know who he travels with or you think he travels by himself?
This might be our last msg. I see this is coming to end of page and probably end of sharing too.
Wish you very well, take care and again all the best on your new life step.
I dont know who he travels with - and sometimes I only find out that he was traveling after he gets back. Very frustrating. He doesn't even have a "home" so he mooches off of different family members between the trips.
It is hard to think that someone I spent so many years with is now a stranger. He has a whole life that I dont know anything about and people he may travel with that I dont know. Who knows he could have found a girlfriend or something and just isn't saying. (although I think my sister asked and he said he doesn't).
I know that I dont know you so this is just come from a limited perspective - but you shouldn't allow yourself to be put in this vulnerable position. I have seen a lot of relationships drag on for years because of one person's convenience.
Alot of girls I know go out with guys that are always finding some loopholes or ways to say they didn't do anything wrong. It makes me so angry.
The fact is that if this person isn't sharing your life and compromising to what you want as well then why bother? At some point you just need to say to them "I am done with you" because otherwise they will never leave and the cycle continues. So maybe silence and avoiding the situation isn't the best way.
Thanks for sharing with me and I appreciate your help. I wish the best for you as well and stay strong.
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